I often find that people are surprised at the breadth of sexuality I encourage. As with so much of our society, we tend to categorise and label ourselves and others. What I do can’t be labelled in this way. I’m not just ‘tantric’ or ‘kinky’ or ‘raunch’ or ‘clinical’ or whatever – I’m all of them, and more. I believe in the full range of sexual expression, as long as it comes from a place that is real. For me that’s the only issue – are you being real, and are you allowing expression of your true self? I don’t believe there is any right or wrong when it comes to sex (as long as it’s between consenting living adult humans), as long as it’s life-enhancing.
So the tantric types get a shock in my workshops when I bring out the bondage ropes; those who embrace raunch culture find the softness disconcerting; the kinky types wonder if all this talk about love isn’t a bit vanilla; and the clinical types find the fun and naughtiness rather perplexing.
But it’s all good! Tantric bondage, soft raunch, loving kink, are all real expressions of possibility.
I must admit I sometimes wish I could classify myself more specifically. It would be easier to explain what I do. But I can’t, I love the tantric and taoist approaches to sex, I think raunch and kink are valid, I believe that knowledge of anatomy and physiology and sexual technique are important, I believe that deep examination of one’s psychology and self-knowledge are crucial.
But you know what I think is the most important of all when it comes to sex?
Yes, sex is play-time for grown-ups. Or to rephrase Oscar Wilde: “Sex is far too important to be taken seriously.”
Why do people take sex so seriously? Given that we’re given no training whatsoever, people have a rather ludicrous expectation that it will be smooth and no-one would ever make a mistake, and that it would be embarassing if we did something wrong or something our partner didn’t respond favourably to.
And we have nothing to compare our ‘performance’ with. All we have to compare ourselves to is previous experience. Or porn (which is fake), or what other people have to say (which is probably also fake).
So there is no ‘normal’, or anything that we really should or shouldn’t be doing.
All we’ve got is each other’s bodies and a trillion odd brain cells to be creative with! That means, play time!
The less pressure you put on yourselves to get it right, the more freedom you have to experiment and be creative. And if it doesn’t work – have a laugh about it!
Personally I think that if there isn’t a good bout of laughing at some stage during the sex act, then it can’t be good sex. A good lasting orgasm will often result in a full-on burst of uncontrollable laughter. We all know that sex is good for our health, so is laughter, so playful sex has got to be the best of all.
Copyright 2010 Jacqueline Hellyer
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