We all know that men have sex on the brain. It’s called testosterone and it’s extraordinarily powerful. It makes men late for work in the mornings, stare hungrily at the girl who looks like the whore of Babylon and has him jumping through our hoops at the merest wink or nudge.
Or does it? Women sometimes forget that whilst there might be fire in the attic, there could be snow in the basement.
At a party recently, a mixed group of friends all laughed when – upon discussing the sexuality of men – someone remarked that “men are not machines”. Perhaps it is the last laugh of Mars and Venus, but when a woman is ‘in the mood’ there are not too many times when the object of our affections professes to a headache or just wants a cuddle. As a result, we tend to expect of men what would never be expected of us.
My friend was right. Men are not machines. It is easy for women to say ‘no’ – just as it should be easy for men to say. We don’t need an excuse and nor should men – especially given the fact that the man (‘or top’) in a relationship often does most of the hard work. Whether we lie there passively or match his every thrust, he is usually working just as strenuously – or more so – than we are.
Yet a man who says ‘no’ can often be met with frank disbelief or even ridicule. After all, all we need to do is reach into his pants and his body will betray the very words he has spoken. In effect, we are turning on his ‘switch’ without his permission and something we despise when it is done to us.
When a person says ‘no’ it is usually because of them and not because of us. It could be that they are tired or they had a bad day. If you are ‘in the mood’ and your man isn’t, consider offering him a passive alternative such as a hand or head job, and if he’s really not interested maybe a massage or favourite meal would be far more appreciated than a ‘duty fuck’ ever would be.
We all strive towards equality in our relationships and yet double standards are rife among the best of them. Next time a person knocks you back, think what you would like and offer that instead – instant gratification is rarely remembered but sensitivity to your partners’ needs always is.
Holly Hill lives by her motto “People have as much right to have sex as they have a right not to have sex”. Her phrase ‘negotiated infidelity’ became a household term after guest appearances on the Larry King Show, 60 Minutes and Dr Phil, but she recently retracted the notion, saying it emasculated men and made women feel insecure. After testing the notion for four years and interviewing hundreds of couples, Holly said any arranged infidelity must be the "exception and not the expectation" and reversed the notion, calling it “negotiated fidelity” instead. It’s all about defining a couple's own unique sexual boundaries for their ongoing relationship and is part of the notion of having unconditional love. Holly’s books Sugarbabe and Toyboy received massive media exposure and she is about to publish the third in the series, The Velvet Pouch.
Copyright 2008 Holly Hill
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