Your eyes meet across the crowded bar and you are instantly attracted to one another. You turn around to chat to one of your friends and suddenly he is there - barely a metre away – staring at you insolently. The chemistry cannot be denied. You try and act nonchalant but you haven’t heard a word your girlfriend has been saying. He is mesmerising! You start a conversation and discover he is unattached. He buys you a drink. You buy him a drink. He leans forward and steals a kiss. Then you find yourself making (mumbled) excuses to your girlfriends, the bouncer and even the taxi driver as you try and remove your tongues from one another’s mouths. To no avail. Whether your place or his, the sex is unbelievable. (Whoever taught him that trick with his tongue deserves a medal.) You go at it for hours – see stars not once but several times – and then you lie entwined, basking in post-coital bliss. The sky begins to lighten as the false dawn appears and he drags himself up – reluctantly – and begins putting on his clothes. You are relieved when he asks for your mobile phone number. The rest of your day is spent in a state of near-delirium as sexual flashbacks reap havoc upon your imagination.
He doesn’t call the next day or even the day after. In fact, you never hear from him again.
There is a theory in sports psychology that men – in particular – like to retire from professional competition when they are at the peak of their game. Rather than wait until things (or waistlines!) go pear-shaped, they announce their retirement at the end of a successful Olympics or after winning a World Championship. Some speculate that it is to do with their ‘Darwinian Fitness’ and that these early retirees are genetically pre-programmed not to blemish their ‘record of achievement’ but most agree they want to be remembered at their best and not as someone forced to make a graceless exit.
The same principal may be applied to our one-night-stands. If the sex is too good, he may doubt his ability to ever perform to quite the same standard again. In other words, he will ensure you always remember him as ‘the bonk that got away’.
Memorable or not – there IS a way of ensuring he will call back!
At the risk of sounding like a cracked record, men are biologically hard-wired to seek sex whenever and wherever they can. They can’t help it. Whether we like it or not, sex for men is often about ‘getting my end wet’ and has nothing to do with love or intimacy or any of the things that many women like best.
That means offering your man what HE wants in order to get what YOU want.
Next time, when your One Night Stand is heading for the door (and even if you are convinced he will call), quadruple – quazzuple – your chances of seeing him again by offering no-strings-attached sex.
It doesn’t have to sound slutty (if that’s not your gig) – a simple, ‘Er… I don’t want to marry you or anything, but would you be interested in hooking up for sex again?’ usually suffices. Chances are – and unless he’s about to enter a Catholic seminary – that is what he will be pondering for the rest of the day. (Not what he has done, but how he can do it again…)
That means a next ‘date’ and – at least! – dinner or drinks beforehand. (Even Casanova needed social foreplay and thankfully most men realise that.) Whether you shine or not in the bedroom is irrelevant; a confirmed ‘lay’ will beat ‘two in the bush’ any day!
And so the second ‘date’ becomes a third and before you know it, an attraction is forming in spite of yourselves. Sex does that to a person (it’s supposed to!). No partner wants to think he/she is regularly fucking a ‘dud’ so they will see you in the best possible light. That means he is primed to fall for your feminie wiles and before you know it, the ‘dates’ become more about the companionship and less about the sex.
Make- or break-point occurs when he begins to realise you are becoming much more than a casual lover. (Start acting like a girlfriend and you will scare him off completely). Instead, ease him into the role and always let him be the first to say the ‘G’ word (or even the ‘L’ word!).
At the very worst, it will give you some lovin’ that you would have never got otherwise…
And who knows? – It might be the most empowering thing you ever did!
Holly Hill lives by her motto “People have as much right to have sex as they have a right not to have sex”. Her phrase ‘negotiated infidelity’ became a household term after guest appearances on the Larry King Show, 60 Minutes and Dr Phil, but she recently retracted the notion, saying it emasculated men and made women feel insecure. After testing the notion for four years and interviewing hundreds of couples, Holly said any arranged infidelity must be the "exception and not the expectation" and reversed the notion, calling it “negotiated fidelity” instead. It’s all about defining a couple's own unique sexual boundaries for their ongoing relationship and is part of the notion of having unconditional love. Holly’s books Sugarbabe and Toyboy received massive media exposure and she is about to publish the third in the series, The Velvet Pouch.
Copyright 2009 Holly Hill
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