Getting the Kinks Straight

There is a fantasy confessed by women that is so common it has most psychologists’ eyes mentally rolling in their heads. Yet nearly every woman who experiences it is mortified.

Sound familiar?

It is the rape scene. The whole being-taken-thing. The helpless-female-oh-my-god-what-am-I-thinking-scenario.

It goes something like this – gorgeous, virtuous woman (in optional fetish dress) gets staked out by a dark, mysterious stranger and is brutally (but not too brutally!) raped by him and perhaps even some of his friends. When he/they have all had their wicked way with her, she is swept up into his loving arms and all her hurts are soothed away.

“So what?” you might even say. “My girlfriend loves it when I pin her arms above her head.”

Welcome to the wonderful world of submission and domination. Sometimes referred to as topping and bottoming. Sounding kinky yet? Hell no!

Yet ‘subs’ and ‘doms’ are what BDSM is all about - in other words; bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. The guy who pins his girlfriend’s arms is applying bondage and his partner is accepting a form of discipline. If he tickles her while she’s helpless, it is a type of sadism and if she enjoys it, she’s being masochistic.

We are all at different points of the same lines and exploring along those lines is called Edge Play. Just because someone has explored further than you doesn’t mean they are ‘kinky’ anymore than someone less along the line is ‘frigid’.

That being said (and if you want to spice up your sex life) start travelling the lines!It’s incredibly easy – all you need is a trustworthy partner, a ‘safe’ word and a bit of good old non-judgementalism. If your boyfriend says he’s always wanted to be seduced by a ‘nurse’ - what’s the harm in that? It’s the same if she wants to be treated like a whore (or he wants to treat her like one). This is play we’re talking about, not finding a cure for heart disease…

If you can’t turn to your partner and reveal your fantasies without being laughed at or ridiculed, you are in the wrong relationship. Edge play tells us more about ourselves than we ever thought possible. It has far-reaching implications for our personal, spiritual and sexual growth; as well as providing a clearly defined list of our likes and dislikes.

Forget expensive dinners and over-priced trinkets – if you really want to give your partner something to remember, ask them their favourite fantasy and re-enact it for them – no questions asked. There is no greater gift in a relationship than unconditional acceptance.

Holly Hill lives by her motto “People have as much right to have sex as they have a right not to have sex”. Her phrase ‘negotiated infidelity’ became a household term after guest appearances on the Larry King Show, 60 Minutes and Dr Phil, but she recently retracted the notion, saying it emasculated men and made women feel insecure. After testing the notion for four years and interviewing hundreds of couples, Holly said any arranged infidelity must be the "exception and not the expectation" and reversed the notion, calling it “negotiated fidelity” instead. It’s all about defining a couple's own unique sexual boundaries for their ongoing relationship and is part of the notion of having unconditional love. Holly’s books Sugarbabe and Toyboy received massive media exposure and she is about to publish the third in the series, The Velvet Pouch.

Copyright 2008 Holly Hill
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