A frank discussion about jealousy in all couples, not just swingers and the sexual revolution that allows you to eat your cake and have it …
People always ask me “how do you not get jealous?”
I just don’t! I have never been a jealous type of person but this has come up a few times where people have asked me that and it’s prompted me to take a deeper look into why I don’t…
If you don’t mind, I’m going to take you inside my head for just a moment. I promise you won’t be there long and it is perfectly safe; just keep your hands inside the vehicle, no flash photography, safety goggles and harnesses on, now hold on for the ride!
This is how I think…
Before I drown you in my thoughts, let me ask this; what happens when you have something you love dearly that you’re afraid of losing? You hold onto it tighter, you keep an eye on it and you’re very particular about who you let borrow or take care of it!
What happens when you do that to a person? They feel suffocated, trapped and at some point, they’ll look for the fastest way out… You give them the freedom to be and they want to stay. So why would I act as if I’m afraid of losing him?
Now here is where it gets a little weird (well not for me but I’m in here all the time!)
Do you want to know the key thing that allows me to swing and not get jealous?
The one thing that makes all the difference?
Well here it is… It’s that I don’t look at my husband as "belonging" to me.
Granted that’s coming from a woman that doesn’t mind sharing but still! In my mind he’s not a possession; I don’t own him and he doesn’t own me.
It’s operating from a different level of respect; we allow the other to choose to stay with us for another day and when we focus on how grateful we are to have them in our lives, it’s hard to focus on "what if I lose them?" at the same time.
Seriously, you cannot hold both those thoughts at the same time, I dare you to try (suggesting you hold the being grateful thought though).
Now let’s just look at this a little further. Jealousy also comes from insecurities. I’m sure you’ve never done this but you might know someone that has, or I’m sure you’ve seen this; when one partner’s attention is diverted (only temporarily) to someone who looks like an ultra sexy supermodel that one could only ever dream of being with. What sometimes happens?
The thoughts start to creep in; they start to think "they must be better than me" and that their partner would prefer to be with them, when most of the time it’s not true!
This often stems from a persons sense of self; their self esteem and how comfortable they are in their own skin. If this is you, then it’s you that you need to work on first. Not the easiest thing in the world to do but the payoff is huge in your relationships!
I ‘m the first one to acknowledge that other women have bigger breasts than I do, a firmer butt than I do, less stretch marks than I do, more this, less that... basically there will always be someone I consider to be better looking than me in some way, but what's the point in getting upset about it?
Seriously, it’s a waste of time and energy that I could be spending either doing something about it (says she who's back at the gym), or putting my time and energy into enjoying the fact he is with me and doing something together that makes us happy.
If you'd rather not do the jealousy thing the key is to make it about them and not you. Think about it for a second, when you get jealous it's all about what YOU are not getting, or what YOU might lose... His happiness is what's important to me; I give him the freedom to make the comments about the hot chick that just walked past in a short skirt and boobs almost falling out, if he feels he can be honest with what he's thinking, without judgement or being slapped, he'll talk to me about his other deepest darkest desires.
When we're playing with other people, I love seeing him with someone else because he's having so much fun, he's doing something (or someone) new and enjoying the experience, and THAT is important to me; it's about him making the most of this life and me being able to do the same.
If he feels like he can relax with me and be himself, he's happy!
Imagine being with someone where you had to censor everything you wanted to say, felt like you were walking on egg shells trying not to upset them because of their jealousy... is it a relaxed relationship? Is it fun to be in? Are you likely to share everything with them? Hell no!
Now flip it, imagine being in a relationship where you were free to throw out the odd comment about how gorgeous a non-partner was, being able to share you deepest darkest desires which may include someone else, being able to be you in every aspect of the word and not be judged, not be worried about a negative reaction and only be greeted with support and encouragement... how does it make you feel? You want to stay there right?
I've just described the relationship I have and it's phenomenal; I am the happiest I can be and our love only grows stronger as a result of the openness we have, and it’s because of the way we both think!Seriously, be so grateful for every second you have together rather than in fear of it ending for whatever reason. Your gratefulness will help you move past the fear so you can allow them to choose to stay.
I give him freedom to be him, he gives me freedom to be me and we encourage and support each other every step of the way... neither one of us holds the other so tightly that they want to be anywhere else but here... And why would I want to be with someone else? With him I get to have my cake and eat it too!!!!
Something to think about.
Here’s to your sexual evolution!!!
Copyright © 2009 Chantelle Austin International
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