Should swingers tell their children? And if so, when should they tell them?What impact could it have on them?And is there an advantage to having swinging parents?I say there is but you’re going to have to read more to find out why…
You know what?Parenting isn’t an exact science; the manual was never delivered with the baby (or is it on back order?) who knows, but we do the best we can with the resources we have available, and to guide us along the way, we have a little bit of parental intuition.
So at what age do we have “the” talk?And how much detail do you go into when you’re not only a swinger, but bi-sexual?
I think I sat down with my Mum when I was about 8 and got the “vanilla” low down. I told my daughter at about the same age although we weren’t swinging then… that was a whole other conversation and if you’re now wondering if I’ve told her, yes I have but let me explain why I did.
Before I do though, let’s just take a step back in time…
What did you observe or learn from your parents when you were growing up about relationships and sex?Were your parents openly affectionate and loving?Was sex a topic that was openly talked about in your house? Or was it something that was never mentioned?
What we grow up with ultimately determines how we act in relationships when we become adults ourselves. We’ll do one of 2 things though; either be almost exactly the same, or do the exact opposite!
Ever find yourself doing or saying exactly what your parents did?You look around wondering if they’re in the room, but they’re not, it was just you! Anyway, back to my point…
I’ve found that people who grow up in homes where sex is a taboo topic find it difficult to talk to their partners about sex and their sexual needs. Personally I don’t think that’s healthy and it creates a bunch of unnecessary issues in the relationship but let’s get back to children, swinging and sharing of information.
Now this is really important, are you paying attention?
Children are born without bias; they don’t know what’s right, wrong, acceptable or unacceptable until we teach them. Racists breed racist children. Sexist people breed sexist children. Homophobic people breed?… do you see where I’m going with this?
Ok, stay with me a little longer; this is where it starts to get really interesting!
What were you told about gay or other alternative relationships when you were growing up?Were they something that you were educated about? Or did you stumble across them by accident?When you learnt about them for the first time were you shocked or surprised?
I still haven’t told you how this relates but I promise this is all leading somewhere thought provoking… keep reading.
So I sat my 10 year old daughter down after my husband and I were sure we weren’t going to be “normal” anymore and also after he was sure that he was bi-sexual. Would you like to know how I started this conversation?
I hope you’re sitting down because you might need to be and remember; parenting isn’t an exact science…
The first thing I asked her was “do you know what “gay” means?”, she said yes and actually explained it very wellto me which was a surprise!I then asked “do you know what “bi-sexual” means?” to which she replied “no”, and why would she know?
When I was in school they didn’t even mention the word “gay” unless they were happy about something!These days our children are being far more educated about sex and relationships (to a point) and it seems that bi is the new gay.
So I explained what it was as only a swinging bi-curious parent can. Now here comes the part that some will agree with, and some won’t, but please keep an open mind and I promise I’ll explain why I’ve told her what I have, it will all make complete sense shortly!
The part I didn’t tell you about was the wonderful gay man in our lives that became my husband’s “gay lover”. I did however, tell her and would you like to know why now?
Because like I said earlier, children have no bias until we teach them. I wanted my husband and his gay lover to be completely natural in front of the children. Now by that I don’t mean getting completely freaky on the kitchen bench at dinner time, only that is was ok for them to hug and kiss and be affectionate towards each other, just like any other couple would do.
I didn’t want our gay “lover” watching his every word or action, or to pretend he’s something he’s not and hiding who he really was.
How else are my children supposed to learn?Having men being affectionate with each other around them in their everyday lives makes it “normal” to them. Seeing us being affectionate with other people (male or female) around them makes it “normal”.
Now I just want to make the why part abundantly clear…
I want my children to grow up accepting people as they are; to grow up accepting every kind of relationship as “normal”. I want them to grow up knowing they have options; that when they get into a relationship that they don’t box themselves into one type because “it’s how it should be. Gay, bi, swinger or non-swinger, it doesn’t matter.
If they choose to be in a “traditional” relationship after all that, great because they’ve chosen it; they’ve chosen what’s right for them. They stand a far better chance of creating a lasting relationship with less baggage when they come from a place of acceptance and love.
So now I ask you this… is it such a bad thing that they are exposed to it all?accepting relationships no matter what form, allowing themselves to choose what is right for them, and allowing others to choose what’s right for them without judgment.
Here’s to your sexual evolution!
Copyright © 2009 Chantelle Austin International
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